


Sixty-Eight

by GhostLightIfYouWill



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barisi x Soup, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Nostalgia, Secret Marriage, non-graphic discussions of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:47:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24807991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostLightIfYouWill/pseuds/GhostLightIfYouWill
Summary: While moving into Rafael’s apartment, Sonny discovers a tube of red lipstick, leading to some shocking discoveries that test their relationship.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Rafael Barba/Original Female Character(s), Rita Calhoun/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 60
Collections: Barisi Pride 2020





	Sixty-Eight

**Author's Note:**

> For the June Barisi Challenge: Red + Secretly Married
> 
> Link to video to accompany the fic: https://twitter.com/BreatheMusicIn/status/1274023046395936769
> 
> Title taken from Sixty-Eight by The Ready Set, particularly the acoustic version. 
> 
> Thank you to lady_sb & sarahcakes613 for the beta read. 
> 
> Find me on Twitter: @breathemusicin

**_“forever is forgotten where the end draws the line”_ **

“Hey, Rafi!” Sonny shouts when he hears the door click behind Rafael. 

As usual, Rafael flips the locks on the door, double-checking the deadbolt, and tosses his briefcase on the kitchen island. He toes off his shoes and hangs his coat on the hook, right next to Sonny’s gray wool coat. That’s new, but Rafael finds himself smiling at the thought of getting to do this for the rest of his life, hopefully. 

Rafael follows Sonny’s distant voice to the walk-in closet in his— _their_ — bedroom. He’s sitting cross-legged on the floor, rolling up some ties and inserting them into the slim drawers. They hadn’t negotiated on sharing ties, but Rafael can’t bring himself to object because sharing ties with Sonny is a welcome intrusion. He’ll just have to convince Sonny to get rid of the ugly ones, which shouldn’t be a grandiose task Rafael figures, given his power of persuasion over his lover. 

“Hi.” Rafael drops into a crouch behind Sonny and leans around to kiss him on the cheek. “What’s wrong? Why are you in the closet? It’s pride month!”

“Haha, very funny, Raf,” Sonny says dryly, tucking the last of his ties into the drawers. 

“It was. Why aren’t you laughing? Seriously, Sonny, is something actually wrong?”

“No, I just— is there something you're not telling me, Raf?” 

Rafael raises an eyebrow. 

“There’s a lot I haven’t told you, Sonny. We’ve been together for, what, seven months?”

“Seven months last Tuesday,” Sonny confirms with a slight nod. 

“Yes, so you’re going to have to be a little more specific.” Rafael kisses the bare skin on Sonny’s neck, runs his hands down his shoulders, before dipping a hand down the vee of the unbuttoned Henley. To his surprise, Sonny recoils at the intimate touch, surging forward onto his knees. “Sonny, what is _wrong_ with you? Why are you acting like this? You never act like this when I touch you.” 

Rafael bounces on his knees a few times before returning to a standing position, and Sonny scrambles around to a kneeling position facing Rafael. 

“Stand up, please. I don’t like this,” Rafael says, gesturing vaguely at Sonny’s place on the floor. 

Rafael reaches down to help Sonny up. Once Sonny is standing, he makes a move to let go of Sonny’s hand, but Sonny holds on tightly and reaches for Rafael’s other hand, which he gives up happily. Still, he refuses to look Rafael in the eyes, instead training his eyes on Rafael’s red polka-dot socks. 

“I don't mind that you, uhm, like to wear, y'know, lipstick and stuff..." 

Rafael cocks his head and bites his lip while he processes Sonny’s statement and considers how to respond. 

"Sonny, what the hell are you talking about?"

“I found some lipstick. It’s a real pretty red color, and I’m sure it looks nice on you. I'm, y’know, down to try it, if you want. I can be kinky."

Rafael blinks at him and inhales sharply. Sonny’s eyes flicker up to meet Rafael’s own, which are swimming with confusion and concern. 

“You’re plenty kinky for me, Sonny. But the lipstick? That’s not— it’s not like that.” 

“Okay,” Sonny says slowly, considering other possibilities, not liking any of them and the way they make his chest feel hollow. “Then what _is_ it like?” 

“It’s not mine.” 

“Whose is it?” Sonny asks quietly, dropping Rafael’s hands and crossing his arms. 

“I— Where did you find it?” 

“An empty drawer in your closet organizer,” Sonny says, indicating to the cabinet behind him. 

Rafael follows the movement, and his face blanches visibly when he realizes that Sonny means _those_ drawers, the mahogany piece tucked deep into the closet. Sonny is holding out a golden tube of lipstick when Rafael returns his attention to him. 

"Oh _hell_ ,” Rafael mutters, rubbing his face with his hands. “That’s Natalia’s." 

“Who's Natalia?"

Sonny’s eyes track the bob of Rafael’s Adam’s apple, the constriction of his throat, sure that he’s choking on spit. 

“My wife.” 

Sonny stares at him for what feels like an eternity but in actuality is about a minute. 

“Your… wife,” Sonny repeats slowly. “What the hell do you mean your wife?” 

"I mean my… wife?" Rafael says sheepishly, looking away from Sonny’s gaze, which is fixed on him, burning a hole so deep he can hardly breathe.

“No, look at me,” Sonny demands. His voice isn’t harsh, and when Rafael meets his eyes, he can tell that Sonny is right on the verge of crying. “Wife?”

“Oh, Sonny, honey…” 

Rafael reaches out to touch Sonny, but Sonny slaps his hands away defensively. The action is almost reflexive. Rafael feels like a perp. 

“Don’t ‘honey’ me! Do you call _her_ that too?" 

Suddenly, Sonny feels trapped, and he is pushing past Rafael, checking him with his shoulder. Rafael knows he didn’t mean to. It is the lack of space, and Rafael’s own unwillingness to move out of Sonny’s way. Rafael turns around to look at Sonny, almost afraid to follow him. 

“Sonny, wait. That's not fair.”

"Fair?!” Sonny shouts, whipping around to confront Rafael but not closing the distance between them. “You have a _wife_ , Rafael. How is _that_ fair?"

“Oh fuck you, Sonny. She’s dead!” Rafael screams. 

Rafael can’t recall a time he’s been more grateful to be so far back from someone. 

“Dead?” Sonny repeats, his voice hovering just above a whisper.

Rafael’s chest is heaving. Under the harsh shadowy light of their— Sonny still hopes— closet, Rafael’s features are hard-set, almost angry. 

“Yes. That’s what I said. I thought you passed your last hearing exam?” 

“Rafael,” Sonny sighs. It’s not an apology, though he knows it needs to be. “You never told me.” 

“Have you stopped to think that maybe I haven’t told you for a reason?” 

“You didn’t think this is something I deserved to know?”

“It’s a part of my past, Sonny, a part I don’t particularly like to revisit.” 

Suddenly unable to breathe, Rafael sighs heavily and yanks on the knot of his tie, a burgundy number that matches his socks.

“Stop that, Rafi,” Sonny says, approaching Rafael and grabbing at his hands. “I got you that tie, and I’d be really upset if you hurt it.”

Sonny gently undoes the tie, and Rafael lets him but still refuses to look Sonny in the eye. 

“I’m not asking you to revisit it if you don’t want to. I just think I deserved to know that you’re _married_. To someone who isn’t me. Who happens to be your boyfriend, in case you forgot that.” 

“It never came up.”

“Okay, well, it’s _up_ now,” Sonny counters immediately. 

Rafael takes the tie from Sonny and smooths the material between his fingers before rolling it up and putting it in its place in the top drawer. 

“Does it have to be?” 

“I don’t see how I can just let this go, Rafael. I don’t see how you could expect me to _let_ you let this go.” 

Rafael nods but doesn’t say anything. In the silence, he continues to undress, shrugging his jacket off his shoulders and popping his suspenders, putting them both in their rightful places. Sonny senses Rafael’s need for space and retreats to perch himself on the edge of their bed, fiddling with the knitted blanket folded across the foot, smoothing it, picking at the fabric. 

Sonny looks up to find Rafael on his hands and knees deep in the closet, sleeves on his pale blue dress shirt rolled up.

“Rafi,” Sonny tries. 

“Shut up.” Rafael’s shoulders tense, and he leans back to rest on his heels. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean— I just, I’m trying to— _find something_ ,” Rafael chokes out through gritted teeth. 

“What are you looking for? Maybe—” 

“I could find it if all your shit weren’t— _goddammit._ ” Rafael sighs, immediately overwhelmed with regret. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like when I—” 

“Are you regretting letting me move in with you?” 

Rafael swings his legs out in front of him so that he’s facing Sonny and pulls his knees into his chest. 

“No, I just wish I had been here.” 

“I wanted you to be. You insisted—” 

“I _know_ , Sonny! That’s why I’m upset. I never listen, even when— and I get hurt every time. I’m never there when I need to be and— _shit…_ ” Rafael trails off, blinking rapidly and training his eyes on the soft yellow light in the ceiling. 

“This isn’t about the ties anymore, is it?” Sonny asks tenderly. Rafael bites his lip and shakes his head, still gazing at the ceiling, though a few tears have managed to work their way down his face. “Tell me what you’re looking for, Rafi.” 

Sonny joins Rafael on the floor of the closet, though his knees protest briefly at how he drops to his knees and crawls toward Rafael. 

“It’s a box.” 

“What does it look like?” 

“I—don’t remember. It has flowers on it, I think? Daisies, maybe. I’m not sure. It’s been so long and I— I—” 

Sonny hushes him gently.

“I’ll find it, Rafi. I just need you to breathe for me.” 

Rafael nods and draws in a shaky breath as Sonny crawls around him to search for the box. 

“Is this it?” 

Sonny emerges with a small box, decorated just like Rafael had described. Rafael nods, and Sonny gingerly hands the box to him. 

“Come here,” Rafael pulls Sonny in until their shoulders and thighs are pressed together and kisses him on the forehead. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry I accused you,” Sonny whispers, kissing Rafael’s cheek.Rafael fiddles with the top of the box, removing it and replacing it several times without revealing its contents. Sonny gestures to the box and asks, “Wanna tell me what treasures we have here?” 

“You joke, but they are treasures. Sort of, anyway,” Rafael says, shrugging. 

He takes the top of the box off and pulls out a few items. There is a crimson red graduation tassel, as well as two rings, one a simple golden band, the other a white and gold band encrusted with diamonds. It looks like the one Sonny has hidden with his socks. A set of rosary beads catches Sonny’s eye, the red wooden beads faded as if they had spent time in the sun, a photo of St. Michael poised at the center. 

“This was… your wife’s stuff?” 

“Yeah,” Rafael chokes out, his throat scratchy, which he’d blame on the dust. “Natalia. Natalia Barba née Petrov.” 

“I don’t have many photos of her. She was usually the one behind the camera, which in hindsight, makes little sense. She always told me she wanted to remember. And well—” 

“She was beautiful,” Sonny breathes, admiring her soft features, her wavy hair, secured underneath a red hat, camera in hand. 

“She was.” 

Sonny shuffles through the pictures until he finds a photo with Rafael and two other women. His eyes go straight to Rafael’s youthful grin. 

“Wow, you were _cute_ ,” Sonny breathes, smiling wildly.

“Yeah? You would’ve dated me when I looked like _that_?”

“You would’ve dated me when I had that mustache,” Sonny counters. 

“Would I have?” Rafael asks, raising an eyebrow. 

Sonny kisses Rafael chastely and returns his attention to the photographs. 

“Is that—?” Sonny says, tracing his finger across the other woman in the photo with Rafael and Natalia. 

“Rita Calhoun? Yeah,” Rafael says, laughing lightly. “We were all—” 

He pauses, choked up again. 

“Take your time, Rafi.” 

Rafael swallows thickly and nods. 

“So you know I went to Harvard—” 

“You never let me forget it,” Sonny laughs. 

“Sonny, please,” Rafael says, pained. “I don’t know how to talk about this, so just let me—?”

“Yes, of course. I’m sorry,” Sonny whispers and nods, squeezing Rafael’s hand. “So. Harvard.”

“The three of us— You know how Alex, Eddie, and I were _los tres mosqueteros_ of Jerome Avenue?” Sonny nods. “Well, Talia, Rita, and I were l _os tres mosqueteros_ of Harvard Law. We were all fighting to be top of the class, really, but we were still best friends. And Natalia and Rita were so deeply in love— kind of like you and me, now that I think about it— and I had… that’s not important. But then Natalia got sick right before we graduated. She was so sick she couldn’t work, and she had only been here on a student visa type thing. You know things are different now, but this was the nineties, and well, long story short, they were going to deport her.”

“So you married her? A green card marriage?” Sonny says, filling in the gaps. 

“Yeah, it was my idea. She moved in with me. We learned everything about each other. I let Rita move in too, and they— well, I offered to sleep on the couch and let them use all of my stuff. Rita got a job working with her current firm making a lot of money so she could pay for Talia’s treatments. So she was never home a lot. Not as much as me in the last few months, anyway.”

“How long?” 

“Two years.” 

“You slept on your couch for two years?” 

“Yeah, I didn’t mind. They were everything to me. I would have traded my health for Talia’s in a second, Sonny. I don’t think you understand. I quite literally owed Rita my life, and here I was, watching her lose hers slowly, watching Talia... I lost count of the number of times I fell asleep listening to them cry in the next room.

“One day in September, the weather was really nice— sixty-eight degrees, I remember, because I argued with her about wearing a sweater— and she begged me to take her outside. She asked me to do her makeup. That lipstick you found? It was her favorite. I put it on her because she was too weak to do it herself but she wanted to see the birds, to hear them sing. So I did, and she was so happy, Sonny. I swear, I hadn’t seen her smile in months, and oh, the way she smiled when she heard those birds? She laughed, and it was so bright. You remind me of her.” Rafael pauses. “She died that night… while Rita was at work.” 

“Rafi, you couldn’t have known.” 

“Doesn’t stop me from blaming myself.” Sonny has nothing to say to that because he _gets it_. “You know, Rita offered to buy me new furniture when she moved out. I said no, obviously.” 

“So that’s why the drawers are empty.” 

“Yeah. I just couldn’t bear to use them. Still brought them with me when I moved though. I know that sounds—” 

“It makes sense, Rafi. You don’t need to explain yourself to me like that. Not with me. Not ever.”

Sonny wraps his arm around Rafael’s shoulder, and Rafael tucks his head in a half-cocked attempt to hide his tears. 

“Why the _hell_ am I crying? It’s—this is stupid. It’s been over twenty years,” Rafael mutters. 

He shrugs Sonny off and rises to his feet, almost bolting into their bedroom. He presses his palms into his eyes, so hard he’s swimming in black until the stars descend upon him, and he’s flying. He wishes he could stay there, look down at the earth, away from all the pain and loss he’s felt… the fear of _more_.

“Rafi, it’s not stupid. You loved her.” 

Rafael nods and finally looks at Sonny, who is now standing at the entrance to the closet. It feels like they’re worlds away from each other even though they’re only three feet apart. Rafael’s eyes have turned into a storm cloud on a warm summer night, and it’s looming over Sonny— over both of them— but he smiles. Rafael smiles at him, sweet as ever. 

For a second— just a second— Sonny thinks they’ll be okay, but then Rafael is tucked safely in his arms, and they’re on the floor, Rafael’s whole body quaking with sobs. 

“I’m here, honey. I’m here,” Sonny reminds Rafael. 

Sonny holds him tight, as tight as he can, and Rafael feels like he’s going to fall through the floor.

He wants to. 

But Sonny holds him upright and rides the wave, pressing kisses to his forehead, patting his hair, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. Rafael’s sobs become more intermittent until he’s just sniffing. 

“It’s not _just_ her, Sonny. I lost a lot when she died. They were my best friends, Rita and— when she died, I lost both of them.”

“You have lost a lot, Rafi.” 

Rafael looks up at Sonny and raises his hand to caress Sonny’s cheek with his thumb. 

“But I have so much now.” Sonny raises an eyebrow and points his thumbs toward his own chest. “Yes you, _tonto_.” 

“I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to pretend it means ‘pretty lawyer.’” 

“Something like that,” Rafael says laughing and wiping the last of his tears away. 

Sonny presses a long kiss to Rafael’s hair. 

“How about we make some soup and then watch _Top Chef_?” he offers. 

“Can it be bean soup?” 

“It can be whatever you want, Rafi. I actually think there’s some frozen from last time. I could just throw it on.” 

“Thank you, Sonny. For—” 

“You don’t need to thank me. Go get started. I’ll be there in a minute.” 

After helping Rafael to his feet and watching him exit the room, Sonny returns the items to the box and places it on the dresser but not before making sure he puts the lipstick with his own stuff. 

He joins Rafael in the kitchen. He has already poured them two glasses of wine. He hands one to Sonny, who accepts it gratefully. 

“If I ever get sick—” 

“We don’t have to have that conversation right now, Rafi,” Sonny says, shaking his head. 

He takes a long drink from his wine, savoring the fruity flavor— his favorite— and places the glass on the counter so that he can pull a pot from underneath the sink. He makes a silent promise to himself to reorganize Rafael’s— _their_ — kitchen on his next day off. 

“We should. I mean, I— you have my medical power of attorney.” 

“I— _what_?” Sonny asks, nearly dropping the pot on the floor. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask you. I had a meeting with my attorney to change some things around, and he asked, and I just— told him... you,” Rafael says, his voice small and timid. 

“Okay, I just didn’t know we were _there_ yet,” Sonny says slowly. 

Instead of looking at Rafael, he goes to the freezer and pulls out the frozen bean soup and empties the contents into the pot, turning the heat on high. 

“I mean, we don’t have to be. I can easily—”

“No, that’s okay. If you trust me to do that for you, I’ll do it.” 

“Okay. I have what I want and don’t want written in great detail in the papers, which I can have Gray make a copy of, and I’ll bring them home, but basically, the short of it… if there’s no chance, if all I’m feeling is pain, I want you to pull the plug.” 

“I don’t like that phrase,” Sonny whispers, grimacing. 

“I’m sorry. I just— you know what I went through with my father, Sonny.” 

“I know, Rafael.” 

“Can I trust you to—” 

“Of course. I am stronger than you think. Not that you weren’t. I— _shit_.” 

Sonny begins to pick at the skin around his fingernails, a habit that Rafael absolutely loathes. 

“I know you didn’t— Okay, Sonny, relax,” Rafael says, placing his glass of wine on the counter next to Sonny’s and grabbing his hands. “You are the strongest man I know, and I trust you to do right by me or I wouldn’t have given your name to him.” 

“Thank you for trusting me. I’ll do it. Come here.”

Sonny pulls Rafael in so their hips are nearly touching, which pushes Sonny back into the edge of the counter, but he can’t bring himself to care because he has Rafael Barba in his arms. He presses his lips to Rafael’s nose before capturing his lips in a kiss and pulling him in impossibly closer. 

“Sing to me,” Sonny whispers in his ear. 

Without hesitation, Rafael sings a familiar tune, low and sweet, hauntingly beautiful, just a little sad. Sonny sways them gently and slides his hands from Rafael’s hips until they’re hooked around his neck, and they’re slow-dancing in circles in the kitchen. 

Suddenly, Sonny is back in the gym of Tottenville High at his prom, except this time he’s with the love of his life, and he can be open and unashamed about his love.

“That was beautiful,” Sonny says when Rafael closes his mouth around the final note, kissing Rafael deeply. 

“The Cure,” Sonny muses. “Did you have an emo phase, Rafi?”

“Yeah, I guess, as emo as we could’ve been. I actually used to sing that to Talia when Rita was gone, and she couldn’t sleep.” 

“You’re a good man, Rafael. I’m lucky to have you.” 

Rafael smiles.

“Not as lucky as I am, Sonny. How’s the soup looking?” 

“It smells about done. Get some bowls? We’ll finish that bottle of wine and go to bed early?” 

“Sounds lovely, _mi amor._ ” 

* * *

“Hey, Counselor, wait up!” Sonny shouts at Rita, catching sight of her on Centre St. south of Foley Square, heading toward One Hogan Place at a swift pace. 

“Can I help you, Detective Carisi?” Rita huffs and stops as Sonny jogs lightly to catch up with her.

“I— well…” 

“Spit it out. I happen to be late for a meeting with your boyfriend.” 

“Blame it on me. I’m sure he’ll say something when he gets home.” 

Rita rolls her eyes but nods her head, a small smirk playing across her otherwise steely features. 

“It’s your grave.” Sonny grimaces at her unintentional irony. “What do you need?” 

Sonny fishes in his pocket and pulls out Natalia’s lipstick.

“I, uhm, I found this when I was moving into Rafael’s place.” 

Rita nods knowingly, her eyes betraying none of her emotions, as usual. Sonny takes a moment to consider the similarities between the woman standing before him and the love of his life, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t see how they would’ve gotten on in law school.

“I take it he told you?” 

Rita readjusts the long strap of her bag onto her shoulder and crosses her arms across her chest. Sonny knows how to read body language, and he’s sure they’d both suffer if he brought up any more details of the past. 

“Yeah. Would you maybe want to come over and have dinner with us?”

“Rafael and I don’t—” 

“I know you don’t speak. That you haven’t since— But I think you need to. I don’t think you understand how devastating everything was to him too. She was his wife. She lived in his home. He learned everything about her so that they wouldn’t get caught. Just as much as you did, maybe. I know it wasn’t— what you two had. But he— you didn’t see him when I showed him this.” Sonny holds out the lipstick, the sun catching the golden tube. “I’d never seen him cry before, Rita.” 

“I’ll talk to him,” Rita agrees. 

“Thank you. And if you could do me a huge favor and encourage him to dissolve that marriage officially, I’d appreciate that too. I’d— I’d like to ask him to marry me.” 

They both know that legally, there is nothing stopping them from getting married, but Sonny wants peace for all involved, to detach their names so that Rafael and Rita, for that matter, could move on... so that _maybe_ Rafael won't talk about Natalia like they're still married. Selfish, he knows, but he wants that privilege all to himself. 

“You want to marry Rafael?” 

“Yeah, how could I not?” 

“I could name a million and one reasons, Detective.” 

“He married your girlfriend so she could have a chance. He let you—” 

“I get the point. You have my blessing if that’s something you’re looking for.”

“That means a lot. Can I— oh fuck it,” Sonny says, pulling Rita in for a hug.

She tenses and then relaxes into the embrace but still doesn’t hug Sonny back. 

“You’re a part of our family too, Rita. I hope you know that. And I’m here if you ever need to talk. I know I don’t know, but I’ve lost… people too, and I could try to—” 

“Thank you… Sonny.” 

Rita takes the lipstick tube from Sonny’s outstretched hand. He smiles at her and turns around to head back to the precinct. When Sonny looks back, Rita is rolling it between her fingers. 

And if he sees a tear fall from her eye, well, he’ll take that to his own grave. 

* * *

The next time Rita comes over to their apartment for dinner, two weeks later, Sonny pulls her in for a hug after Rafael takes the bottle of expensive red wine she’s carrying. Much to his surprise, she smiles and hugs him back. 

Her lips are bright red. 

**Author's Note:**

> The song Rafael sings in the kitchen is Pictures of You by The Cure.
> 
> Here is a link to a playlist with songs in/related to this fic: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMf29FGb1qbcbxIEwrSFyyt-PJVf971Nx


End file.
